I acknowledge that I am pretty fucking lucky to be married to the man that I am. We’ve been together for 35 years, married for just a few days shy of 30 1/2 years.
It hasn’t always been easy – as expected as we started dating when I 16 and he was 19. But through every challenge – every time we split up / talked of divorce, we worked through the issues.
Not perfectly.
It took time.
But through everything, we continued to choose one another, and because of that, we are here, where we are today.
The worst part about being away the past 5 weeks was being away from him. He is my rock; my foundation. He is my lighthouse when I have lost my way. He’s my sounding board when I have a problem. He’s my anchor when my emotions get the better of me. He knows how to bring me down from emotional anguish – but it’s not something that can be done over the phone.
He tried. He really did. Voice notes. Videos. Texts. We got together twice – the first time was a last minute plan and it was amazing. As was the second visit. I think it was the only thing keeping me from completely breaking during my time away in the destructive environment I was in.
But I’m home.
Thursday morning was PAINFUL! We had our “graduation” – which most of us didn’t care about. Most of us just wanted to get going. The worst part was that our “march out” (inspection of our rooms to make sure they were clean to a standard that seemed to differ between barrack wardens) was 2 hours after. So my roommate was itching to get going – and considering my drive was 2-3 times longer than hers, I was VERY eager to get going.
Weather was fair, but with 500km to drive, I raced a storm home. I caught the edge of it (and found out later there was a tornado warning!) but it was beautiful.
I opted for a slightly longer route – choosing relaxing scenery and lower speeds, over a multi lane highway that has many fatalities each year due to speeds and asshole drivers. As much as I wanted to get home, with a 5-6 hour drive, I chose relaxing.
When I (finally) got home, hubby met me outside to help me with some essential things to bring in from the car, but not before giving me a hug and kiss.
The important thing didn’t happen until that night when we were in bed.
No… not that. Get your minds out of the gutters!
As we were laying there cuddling, he must have felt my tension. He pulled me over so I was pretty much laying on top of him, and he held me.
Just held me.
So tightly.
He’d rub my back and hold me to him, letting me just bury my face into his neck.
“I’ve got you”
“Let it out”
Tension I didn’t even realize was lurking under the surface was suddenly given permission to be released.
“I’ve got you”
He held me so tight, that I knew I could fall apart and he’d be there to help put me back together.
“Let it out”
And I cried.
And cried.
In the safety of my husband’s arms. I cried, and shook, and felt like I was falling apart. And he held me, letting me.
No “words of wisdom”.
No trying to fix it.
Just being there.
And then I felt his shift. His shift in breathing. Long deep inhales, and long, audible exhales. Over and over. Letting me break for as long as I needed to. And when my body was ready, it slowly relaxed. My shuddering stopped. My tears dried up. My breath lengthened. It took a while, but eventually our breathing matched.
And just like that, he reset my autonomic nervous system – and probably my sympathetic nervous system as well!
That night, I slept SO well! And the next morning, the past 5 weeks felt so far behind me.
I’m glad to know that it will be the last time I will need to go back there for training. And if they try to task me to go there to teach, I know how to get out of it.
I’m SO happy to be home!
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