Just Lose Weight

So, a little background…

About 3 1/2 years ago, I went in for a routine eye exam. Things got really tense when the optometrist came in and told me to go to the hospital emergency immediately. He showed me the pictures of my optic nerve – then compared it to the 3 years prior (thanks to covid, more time had gone by between my regular appointments) and there was obviously something wrong.

He said there could be numerous reasons: bleeding on the brain, a brain tumor / cancer, MS, or meningitis. Or nothing. But as my father died from cancer in the brain, yeah… I was panicking a bit!

After a battery of tests, it came back as IIH – Idiopathic intracranial hypertension… the cerebral spinal fluid has a higher pressure than what it should be, so it’s pressing against the back of the eye, making the optic nerve swollen.

Still better than the alternative.

Because of this, I’ve been seeing a neurologist off and on over the years. Usually in person once a year, and a teleconference once a year.

Today was the in person appointment.

I’ve been dreading this appointment since I realized it was coming up. Though she has, for the most part, been nice… she can still come across as condescending.

Today wasn’t really much different.

Thankfully she didn’t ask my weight or weigh me, but I have put on some weight from the last time I saw her. I have the pulsatile tinnitus again, and migraines.

When she looked at my eyes, the optic nerve is partially swollen – maybe 1/4 of it, so not as bad as when I was initially diagnosed.

When I had lost the weight, the symptoms had disappeared. However, it seems that, thanks to perimenopause, “eat less and move more” simply doesn’t work… unless I’m severely restricted in my diet.

And that never lasts.

The neurologist suggested GLP-1… nope. Did it for long enough to know I HATED it. I felt like shit on it and only lost 10 lbs the first month because I was so severely undereating, what else could my body do? But after the initial 10 lbs, nothing except starving myself and feeling like shit.

Her suggestion to “just lose weight” to fix my IIH had me virtually rolling my eyes.

How many times has that been said to me? How many times has it been said to me but not to a man who has the exact same issue?

(Mild sleep apnea, doesn’t require a CPAP machine, but offered a dental appliance – I was told to lose weight, but he wasn’t)

Yes, I do need to lose weight.

Yes, many of my medications could be reduced, if not stopped.

“Just lose weight” isn’t the answer when there’s a barrier that I have been trying to get addressed for 5 years – since starting perimenopause,  when I noticed weight gain and my body not responding to diet and exercise like it had in the past.

It’s incredibly frustrating when it feels like everyone in the medical system looks down on me. Like I’m lazy. Yes, I can try harder and do more, but it’s like they won’t even address even the potential of an underlying issue.

However, what’s even more frustrating is my frustration in myself. The resentment I feel like I’m holding towards my body. I know this will pass, and I’ll find the fight again, but today was just disheartening.